


Coming Into Focus

by demonsLOver



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Captain Luffy, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Luffy Being Luffy, Mental Health Issues, Nakamaship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Voice of All Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:06:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23487277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonsLOver/pseuds/demonsLOver
Summary: He doesn't dream of Ace's death. He remembers that too well. It's what he disregarded during his desperate run to reach Ace is what haunts him. He never wishes to kill. He will if he has to and he has. And in Marineford, during the Paramount War, he did.Again, again, and again. Until the blood covering his fists was not his own.(If Oda won't dive into Luffy's trauma then I will. Fight me Oda.)
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy & Whitebeard Pirates
Comments: 41
Kudos: 317





	Coming Into Focus

**Author's Note:**

> Music inspiration: the noises she makes in their bed - Warmer  
> [link here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJ_eYKxleEE)
> 
> the song luffy sings: [ Ocean Guide (Kaido)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59ngH1vdTx4)

He jumps awake. By reflex alone he was able to grab the edge of his bunk while the other hand smothers his mouth. He didn't fall over or scream. He didn't make a sound as he went still. The fast beating in his chest mixes with the cold sweat that soaks him whole. He waits for his breaths to even out, just like Rayleigh taught him, but this time something is wrong. If anything, his heart gains speed, his blood is rushing to his head and the room seems ten times too small. With steps as steady and quietly as he can, he jumps off his bunk. The wood groans at the steps he takes to reach the door. 

He didn't dare go to the front of the ship. Usopp is on watch and he can't bear to be seen like this. The back of the ship welcomes him in its darkness and silence, the calm waves keeps him anchored to years ago and now. He takes deep breaths to follow the steady rhythm of the sea, but the noise of the ocean amplifies to crashing waves, bubbling water, and crackling ice. He covers his ears as someone begs him for help. 

All he could say was sorry. Luffy felt guilt bite him as he didn't try to save that pirate. He was in a hurry to save Ace. The look he was given after he punched the marine too hard. Defeat, disbelief, and death. He ignored the sound of the body that hit the ground as he ran. 

How many? How high is the body count? Luffy knew well that his mind is starting a tally.

He is up to twenty two. 

And in his mind, the war isn't over. He just went over the wall. He had more counting to do. 

He lies down and looks at the sky. Sleep will not visit him tonight. 

____

Marine after countless marine he either punched or kicked, some at full force while others receive a firm push. The two that he thought he would never encounter on that field were Coby… and Garp. He couldn’t understand why Coby would be there, he was nowhere near the level of strength for that type of fight. His grandpa ―if he could still call him that― on that bridge was a person he thought he wouldn’t have to face. After the war, something became solid and sealed itself in Luffy’s heart. 

He wasn’t a grandchild anymore as he no longer has a grandfather.

He is Mugiwara no Luffy. Brother of Fire Fist Ace, and No. 2 of the Revolutionary Army, Sabo. He is captain and family of an amazing crew, the Straw Hat Pirates. 

Even though he’s not a grandchild no more, he's a pirate. Ji-chan would always be ji-chan, it’s that ji-chan no longer had a grandson.

It's safer this way. 

____

Those eight times around Marineford was not only for his brother and every lost pirate. It was for the many marines that lost their lives on that field. Also, it was for himself.

A fragment of who he was died there he should at least mourn his death. 

____

_ "All our pain and suffering, it swallows up in its warm embrace, so knowingly and gently, washes them all away _ ."

"Luffy."

He is surprised that he didn't attack Sanji, he should have heard the click and clack of Sanji's heel. He fakes a sigh instead of breathing out heavily to calm his heart. He quietly gives his thanks as he accepts the sandwiches and drinks on Sanji's tray. 

“That’s a shitty sad song captain.” He doesn't bring up that Luffy missed lunch  _ again. _ Lunch was a quiet, calm affair. How a normal dining experience would be but it wasn't their normal. It felt sterile, empty, and silent. No matter how seasoned the food was prepared, it wasn't fulfilling as usual. Sanji knows he's not supposed to bother Luffy when he's so trapped in his own world until Luffy comes back to them. But he can't allow it. He has a responsibility to feed everyone on this ship and it hurts when once Luffy found comfort in food, in times of isolation, he now avoids it. 

Sanji doesn't voice it but it almost feels like Luffy believes he doesn't deserve it. It sounds insane. His captain is a glutton. Has his five meals a day plus snacks. Eats every day but it's the days when Luffy doesn't scream playfully for food that Sanji feels he's going to cry. His captain has done so much to clearly state Sanji is the chef, the  _ only _ chef, he'll eat from. Rescued him from the impossible. 

He can't help but stare disdainfully at the meal he's created. He could have made it better. Made it more cute, it never failed to make Luffy smile when food is decorated. Right now, he knows Luffy wouldn't have noticed. 

There's a blankness to Luffy before him and Sanji is helpless to do anything to erase it. 

"Ya think so?" Luffy swipes his hands. Crumbs blown by the wind. “Ji-chan would always sing it to me when I was little."

At the mention of the Vice-Admiral, Sanji thinks his words carefully. Luffy may have brought up Ace here and there, but he's not once mentioned his grandfather. "Isn't it a funeral song for Marines?" 

Luffy shrugs, he's never cared about what belongs to who. “I like it.”

Sanji, internally, is baffled why his captain would like such a song. “It isn’t the happiest piece of music, Luffy.”

“No…” Luffy stares at the ocean, seeing something that Sanji only wishes to understand. “...but it’s the most honest one that I know.”

Sanji has nothing else to say. Having no reply, Luffy finishes the guide. 

_ “There will come a day I’m sure, when I must heed it’s solemn call, and walk side by side with old friends, resting in its foamy waters."  _

Sanji bites his tongue with smoke. Quietly pleads with the ocean to give his captain back. 

Luffy is drifting too far. 

___

Three red roses, three white carnations, and a single lavender lily. They are most likely decomposed and gone by now. The ridge created by Shirohige was where he dropped the bouquet. He wonders at times how many marines, and sometimes pirates, fell to their deaths.  _ Did they drown or did the rubble get them first?  _

The ridge was not only physical, there was a greater crack between pirates and marines. It breaks his heart a bit. Sure, he knows that pirates are bad and marines are good. It's not fair, he thinks, that they all can't be good and bad. That crack divides two sides further apart and he's stuck in the middle with both arms stretched and holding on. He's not ready to let either side go. He knows soon, very soon, the side he has chosen will give him no choice but to fight back the other half. He just hopes that his hands could hold on a bit longer. He's lost enough, he's not ready to lose more. 

He doesn't make the choice. The world does it for him. Putting a bounty and a title he never asks for.

"Luffy, everything fine?" 

He watches the way Robin continues to water her plants. How the water pours softly but causes the petals to move from the heavy drips. Roses, carnations, and lilies.

He grins softly. "Yeah." Plops his hat on his head. Ignoring how Robin stands a little closer.

_ They drowned. _

___

_ "How are you? _ " 

"I'm fine."

" _ Luffy." _

Luffy sighs, he can't help but pout slightly. "Sometimes it's hard to sleep, Rayleigh." 

_ "What do you dream of? The same thing?" _

He grips the speaker a bit tighter. "No, this one was different." 

_ "What changed?" _

Many always heard Rayleigh talk calm and collected no matter the situation. After a year and a half, Luffy could hear something behind his master's words. It was fear and worry from old pain that came from loss, Rayleigh didn't want him to go through it alone. 

"Remember that marine that would stare at me?" The one that couldn't believe he was going to die after Luffy delivered a fatal punch. He felt bone and tissue simply give until it  _ squelched _ . Forcing organs and blood to soften and fall apart.

_ "Yes, I do. What's different?" _

Rayleigh asks calmly. Luffy tries to form the words to come out of his mouth but he can't. The sentence stays trapped and he's grateful for Rayleigh's patience.

"It wasn't him, the marine. It was someone else."

_ "Luffy… who?" _

He feels sick at what could have happened. He was desperate, lost, dead-set on saving Ace that he was ready to forget and rip old ties no matter how meaningful they were. Back then, he was ready to trade his life for death and abandon his crew when they were  _ no, they are  _ his whole world but the sun was being eclipsed and he was so scared. 

He saw the sun burn. The sun was being burned alive — no Ace was burned and bleeding and why can't he breathe —

_ "Luffy. Luffy, breathe like I taught you—" _

He breathes in and out repeatedly, his lungs calm but his hands continue to shake.

_ "Good. Keep doing that. Take your time." _

He shakes his head. "Coby. I killed Coby."

_ "He was saved by Shanks, Luffy. You may have saved him from actually dying by someone else's hand."  _

"He doesn't stare. He smiles, Rayleigh. He smiles and says thank you." Luffy ignores his master. Rayleigh knows he has to let Luffy drift out to come back again. 

_ "Why does he thank you?" _

Luffy bites his lip to pinch tears away. "For believing in him this far." 

_ "How do you know he says that?"  _

He gives a bit of a hysterical short laugh. "Because we were both going to the top. I know why, he's supposed to kill me."

Before Rayleigh can say anything, Luffy says something that stays with the old man.

"I was meant to die there, Rayleigh. We both know that."

Rayleigh clenches his unused hand. Luffy should have been the one to hit concrete and stay there lifelessly. The luck the young man had pulled off one more miracle that day. Then again it can't be called luck when it was a sacrifice. 

_ "I know but you're here. Live, Luffy. You have much to live for." _

"He hits the ground so loud. I keep hearing it when I run to Ace."

He's still drifting out. Rayleigh has no choice but to reel him in.  _ "He is not one on your head. Coby is alive and surely stronger. The war is over. The dead are dead."  _ Ace is dead. 

"..."

_ "Luffy?" _

"Thanks Rayleigh." Luffy is back. Shaken and hurt but soft going strong. 

_ "Of course."  _ Always. Always as long as his old body could fight, he would keep his pupil's demons at bay. 

Zoro grits his teeth as he stays silent during his watch. It's dead of night and the fifth time this week his captain can't sleep. He could do better, he should do better but he holds his captain's pride and respect and waits. Waits until Luffy is ready but that doesn't mean as he holds his tongue he's anything but strong. For once in two years he feels useless and weak. A weakness he'll never overcome. 

The bags under Luffy's eyes pushes him to add three hundred more reps when lifting. 

It does nothing to fix the situation.

___

He's restless. Brook frowns as he slows his tune. 

It's one thing to try, succeed, and finally fail. But it's only a story to fail, try once more, and succeed. Tales like that are written, embraced, and forgotten. Memories, however, are not so simple. It's a complex tale of endless defeats and rare winnings. So when a loss —a memory so excruciatingly searing— that has a heavy toll is given, failure is all one knows, to succeed is an illusion, and trying is a myth. 

That is a death that doesn't kill you. You remember, it murders, but you can't die. They can't forget and move on, when they try so hard to live. And neither can you when you're trapped on a page that was read hours ago. 

That is death you breathe with. 

Even when there's no air for still lungs. 

His soul is sensitive to the living. Empath against his will, turmoil and sadness cloak his captain. A price to have traversed the land of the dead to return to the living, Brook supposes.

It's the third time in a single day Luffy has chosen to sit on Sunny's head instead of doing anything else. Never had they had such repetition of action. If some days were bad, then today is awful. 

The night sky dark above with scattered stars across, Brook makes his way to Sunny’s head. It’s his shift now. As Nami’s shift ended, her welled up tears flowed freely as she was no longer facing her captain. It seems all attempts to get Luffy to sleep have failed once again. First Chopper, and now Nami. 

He wonders what they tried to convince Luffy to sleep or talk. Luffy, the stubborn lass, would stay true to his silence.

Brook understands quite clearly what was happening. Luffy didn’t want to be coddled or sympathized. 

His captain simply wants to think and keep thinking until the truth is all that’s there. 

Tapping the bottom of his cane to the floor, announcing his presence. "Heavy thoughts, Captain?" 

"I'm really selfish, Brook." Luffy explains, facing forward. "I'll do whatever it takes to get there. I want to be free more than anything. But…" he trails off. Looking at the sea for answers and he finds one. "I don't think I can do that while having my friends die for me." 

He doesn’t interrupt. Luffy just wants to talk. Spill all his thoughts and Brook, having done so for decades to ease the pain, lets him do it. 

"I don't know how many I've already killed to be here. How many have died for me. How many more are willing to. I don't think I can take another loss like that." 

Brook grips his cane tightly. He has a promise to keep. Laboon has waited too long but Brook would gladly face death a second time to keep his captain alive. That he’s ninth in line to end his own life to preserve the life that gave it back in the first place. The hundreds more that are waiting to die to this small rubber ball of a human if it ever came to come. 

"You saw your crew die before your eyes. One by one." Luffy hushly talks, eyes caught in galaxies above. "I saw my brother go and I fell apart. But you Brook, you're amazing."

Brook hears his name from old souls beyond mortal ears. Fortunate was he that he died alongside his crew, he may have been the one last, saw them all die, but he went with them in the end. Impressions of their love, in sound, whistle through his ribs and echo in the fleshless hollow of his heart. 

He wasn’t there when his own captain died. Didn’t watch, he never would be able to. Yes, his crew died but  _ he died too. _ He doesn’t know what it's like to watch them go and be alive. Having no choice to live right after their loss, that he never experienced. Brook has suffered the silence of decades with nothing but their memory but at least he had the honor to die alongside them.

Luffy watched his brother die and awoke to _life_ _without his brother’s love._

"You went through that and still lived for them, and I know how much that must've hurt but you pushed through. And now you believe in me and our crew to fulfill your promise, and for that I'm happy you joined my crew. I'm just sorry I didn't find you sooner.”

Brook has long ago accepted he’s nothing but a soul within bones. At times he abhors his current state, but at times like this, when his tears can form and fall with no sound of sobs or hitching breath makes him grateful. 

"It's just… I know I'm not amazing like you." Luffy smiles so bitterly that Brook's bones in his clenched hands creak. "If I lose even one of you before I reach Raftel, I don't think I can reach my dream without being haunted."

He wasn’t the best man in his previous life, he was a good man as much as being a pirate allows. He’s killed and will continue to do so. Yet, he asks the world and its many moons, what did he do to deserve such sunshine in this life?

"What's a pirate king without his beloved crew?”

Luffy answers for him. Brook understands Nami-san’s tears. 

"Alone and worthless.” 

  
  


___  
  


Marco really missed his old crewmates. He was originally going to stay out of it but old promises rang in his head. One last fight he told them, at Wano where it all changed. To his surprise all former commanders arrived, and what a battle it was. 

The war is over. For once in two years, he can smile and truly mean it. A huge celebration on the shore of one of Wano’s beaches, Marco can say the Straw Hats knew how to throw a party. If he could only find the guest of honor. Surprising as earlier, Mugiwara was begging food from his chef despite the various cooks that crowd the beach. 

"Nice straw hat, Jinbei." Jozu points out. The infamous straw hat on the fishman's head. 

"Apparently it means I'm officially in the crew." Jinbei slightly flushes. "It's one way Luffy-san expresses his sentiments."

Marco can’t help but tease. He rarely ever sees the great First Son of the Seas embarrassed. "How does it feel to join the most insane pirate crew on the sea?"

"Honored. They are a ragtag group of misfits, but it feels welcoming to be part of it. I'm very happy and humbled to be their helmsman." Jinbei says, full of pride and wonder. "No matter the danger, as long as I'm by their side, I welcome it." 

Izo chuckles. "I see the infamous insanity of the crew has already infected you, Jinbei." All the commanders laugh at that.

Seeing Luffy a couple feet away, his crew a pack of guard dogs standing nearby, Marco calls him over. 

"Oi Mugiwara, come join us-yoi!" Marco yells. He eyes the young captain's state. Still covered in bandages, walking slower than usual, and Marco doesn’t like seeing it. He offered to heal him but Luffy declined, insisting he heal his allies. Law taking a fatal hit that was meant for Mugiwara, and Kidd defended his first mate. It takes time for his healing factor to regenerate but Luffy is first on the list to be healed.

Ace would be throwing a fit if he saw his brother. That was all the motivation Marco needs to get Luffy back in tip top shape. 

Jinbei offers his hand with a big smile. "Luffy-san—"

"Jinbei, stay where you are." 

Voice of a King. No trace of Conqueror’s but one that orders you to listen. He hasn’t felt anything like it since Pops.

Luffy asks. "You're Whitebeard's Commanders, right?" 

Marco trades glances with them. They’re just as unsure as he is but he nods. Namur catches Jinbei and silently questions him, the former warlord shakes his head. Not even Jinbei knew what was going, Marco deduces. He quickly studies the gathering Straw Hat pirates. They seem just as confused. 

Luffy stares the Commanders dead in the eye. 

"During the war, you saved my life. Against the Shichibukai, the Admirals, against everyone who was trying to kill me." He looks at his newest recruit with utter adoration. "Jinbei, you put yourself between Akainu and me. Even using your body as a shield when you had no reason to. Even saved me when I thought I lost it all." 

Luffy goes on his knees, forehead touching soft sand, "Thank you! For all the sacrifices you’ve made and those you lost, thank you!”

Jinbei is up on his feet in a snap. There’s a growing commotion and Marco hears none of it. All he could think, all he could see and believe is this young man took on both Kaido and Big Mom, won the impossible, yelling to the world of his might, prostrating himself to the ground in gratitude. 

This is Ace's little brother,  _ see Marco! Look at my baby brother! He got his first bounty!, _ on his knees. 

"Oi, Luffy!"

"Luffy! You shouldn't be the one—"

"Shut up." Luffy demands. The navigator and first-mate follow the order. “If I can’t thank Ace’s family and my own crewmate who saved my life, then I’m a coward who doesn’t deserve to be captain!”

"Luffy-san." Jinbei whispers, his voice weak. 

Marco comes back. Fossa and Vista crying, the soft hearted ones of the old crew. The remaining commanders stunned simply stare speechless. 

"I want to say Ace's last words."

And Marco is lost again. 

A harsh silence. Plates and cups slip from hands. Gasps and stifled breaths. Marco doesn't have a clue what to say.

Luffy sits up, and quickly bows over. Hunched over he expresses his gratitude again. "But first, I want to thank you for having him. Ace never loved himself as he should. Since we were kids he was looking for a home and a family. I can never thank you enough for giving him that. In the end, as I held him, he knew."

Luffy exhales, suddenly looking more exhausted than the fight he just won. Marco knows a piece of him that will come to a close.

"These were his words…" 

And it’s going to hurt. 

___

A symphony of cries and sobs laps with the ocean waves. Taking every cry with the incoming breeze and passing it along to each mourning soul. 

Luffy's eyes remain dry. He stands up, bows at the waist, turns around and leaves. Doesn't say a word. Ignores his own crew's calls and grasps. He notices their tears, the frustration, feels their anger, and how they wish to simply hold him. 

He doesn't want to be touched. Not now. Not when those final words are filled with touch, of a short embrace that entails burned flesh and fire, black smoke, and red blood on his skin. 

He wants to be alone. 

Or he'll drown faster than he can swim. 

And that's none at all. 

His mind has tallied up the number. He took forty-four lives that day. The one, the single one, he was more than willing to sully his hands for, doesn't make it. 

For him, it is a total of forty-five. 

___ 

  
  


_ Pops, everybody, and you Luffy, thank you for loving someone like me. Who is a good for nothing, who has such bad blood in his veins, up to today. _

_ Thank you… for loving me! _

  
  


__

  
  


"You have one hell of a captain." Jiru says, wiping his nose for the twentieth time. 

"Stating the obvious." Franky mutters, still overwhelmed with emotion. 

Marco stands in front of Zoro. As the captain is absent, the first-mate takes rank. He has a promise to fulfill and it's about time he finishes it. "Luffy is Ace's last will. My Captain's last order was to make sure that he makes it." It doesn't hurt like before, thinking of Ace or Pops. "Oyaji picked your Captain to be King." 

"During the Paramount War?" Chopper asks.

Marco nods. "If the last thing I do with my time is to make sure Luffy becomes King then it was well spent." He pulls out and tears a piece of his vivre card, takes a brush from Izo and writes his den-den mushi number. "Reach me when it's time." 

Jinbei stands in shock. "Marco." 

Jiru nudges the former first commander. "And Marco will contact us as well."

"You guys…" Marco has been left in awe too many times in one day. 

"Luffy is who Ace and Oyaji believed in. The Whitebeard pirates have one more promise to fulfill." Jozu cries in the air. "When we face the afterlife we can meet our comrades with pride!" 

Yells and cries of agreement roars across the shore. 

"For Ace! For Oyaji!" 

"For the future Pirate King!" 

"Pirate King Luffy!" 

"Pirate King Mugiwara!"

Usopp frowns, remembers their departure from Dressrosa. "Luffy doesn't like having fleets. He's never sworn to one." 

"Then think of us as friends helping friends." Bakuyo shrugs, an easy grin on his face. 

Haruta steps besides Marco. "Please, let us do this one last thing."

Zoro remains firm, unyielding to their choice. "You're saying you're willing to die for him." 

"For Ace, for Oyaji, for the future of piracy, yes. I am." Haruta pledges.

Usopp fiddles with his slingshot, at times like this rank befalls on Zoro, and once again he's relieved. But he knows what his crewmate is thinking. They have to accept. On one part, they're going to need every ally possible if they ever plan to make it to Raftel. These are the very same pirates that were defeated by Blackbeard. 

How do they stand a chance when these pirate veterans couldn't? They need every available hand, and these guys rival Yonkos in strength. He knows at his friends body language they agree, but Luffy won't. 

The second part, Usopp has learned a lot about honor. Loyalty. It wouldn't be right to deny the Whitebeard pirates their last wish as a crew. 

Zoro, being all about honor and respect, takes the vivre card. Usopp breathes a sigh of relief. 

"Nami. You know what to do." Zoro passes her the paper. She nods. 

"Where is your captain?" Marco asks.

"Coming home." Zoro answers. Only his friends understand what he means.

___

It's been a single day since leaving Wano that Luffy doesn't know what to do. The weight on his mind was gone. He didn't need the seas to sing as much to calm his aching heart. Everything is coming into focus. 

He jumps from Sunny's head and lands besides Zoro. Zoro usually never reacts when he does, so he's kind of surprised that in a fluid movement, he's held in an embrace. 

"Zoro?" 

"That's why you were drifting away." Zoro whispers in his ear. "We're sorry, Luffy."

"It's okay." Luffy laughs. "I just had to do it on my own."

"No. You don't. Not anymore." Zoro says. Luffy goes still, it strikes a broken part inside him that all he wanted when he was alone and crying to the world for his friends. He finally does. He has the world back in his sights. "Luffy, let go."

Luffy rests his head on Zoro's shoulder. His face presses against thick muscle. Zoro says nothing when his shoulder feels wet, or when Luffy's breath hitches. He doesn't notice his crew surround him.

"We have you now." Nami promises with her soft cries. Her shaking hand combs through dark strands of ink. 

"And we're never letting go." Usopp has done it once before. Now he can't imagine where else he would be.

Sanji belongs to only one person, one crew. "We're yours as you are ours." 

"Until every dream is fulfilled." Chopper will keep them breathing until it's true. 

Brook, living one more life, has given up any others. "And even after that, and you're King, we'll follow even after death."

Robin doesn't bother wiping the tears. "When death takes us all, we're yours in every afterlife."

Franky sobs loudly. "We'll always be together!" 

"Luffy-san, we have you." Jinbei, overwhelmed, finally realizes why Ace knew Luffy was in good hands. 

"We promise." Zoro swears. 

In the fall of sundown, Luffy can live with nightmares and treasures to share. 

"You dumb idiots." Luffy cries, his heart bursting with joy. "My dumb crew." 

In chorus, with teary eyes and happy smiles, the Straw Hat Pirates state the obvious. 

"Yours." 

____

_ I love you. I love you all so much. _

___

**Author's Note:**

> my boi needs therapy, Garp pay for it you ass
> 
> Edit: sorry if you see it again, I found an error


End file.
